From 2010 to 2014 Richard Cobbett wrote Crapshoot, a column about rolling the cube to carry random video games again into the sunshine. This week, one other probability to enter a post-apocalyptic wasteland, however one which quickly become a mere Bidet of Nightmares. Drink of it at your personal danger.
Wasteland ultimately received its long-awaited sequel, and fortunately it was good. Some may even say superb. Relying on who you ask although, there already was a sequel to Wasteland, solely a yr or so after the primary one got here out. Now, to be clear, the record of people that will inform you that could be very small certainly. Not the unique Wasteland crew, which did not work on it, not Wasteland followers, who typically attempt to overlook it, and never even writer EA, who initially did tried to carry it up as a correct sequel, however have been apparently satisfied of their folly after three ghosts confirmed as much as slap some goddamn sense into them.
Regardless of that, the lineage is clear, and also you’d suppose the thirst for a brand new Wasteland recreation would make something even impressed by it price a bit hardcore fan fondness. How dangerous might or not it’s that it was politely carved out of historical past virtually as quickly because it landed? Properly, let’s discover out! Although I feel we will assume the reply is “Very, very dangerous.”
Fountain of Desires takes place in post-apocalyptic Florida, in order that’s a minimum of a bit completely different, some 50 years after nuclear strikes carved it off from the mainland. No one is aware of if life nonetheless exists on the mainland or past, however all makes an attempt to search out out result in fast loss of life from the contaminated sea throughout or the vicious monsters that choose off what radiation cannot instantly destroy. During the last 50 years, that is meant the main cities withdrawing into themselves and turning into metropolis states, folks more and more mutating attributable to publicity to all of the nasty stuff within the air and underfoot, and harsh gangs rising up within the wilderness to threaten adventurers and provides everybody a rattling good motive to remain house.
Or, because the handbook put it, “This world is loopy. Too dangerous you are sane.”
As a place to begin, that each one appears fairly stable. It is a world like Wasteland, however with its personal distinct space and theme, tapping into a lot the identical concepts however with extra of a give attention to human threats than wandering monsters given a radiation-powered kick up the meals chain. I do not see what might probably go—
Huh. I used to be anticipating a goofy screenshot to seem there. A type of ironic cut-in of kinds, taking that apparent feed line and presenting an enormous image summing up the stupidity of the sport in a single simply digested assortment of pixels, as if—
Killer Clowns. Sure, there’s a few 90% shot that having created a celebration and set out in your quest, the very first thing that you’re going to see is a gang of murderous clowns popping up and just about killing you useless with no extra effort than throwing a custard pie. It isn’t like Wasteland performed issues straight, however there is a distinction between having a tongue-in-cheek apocalypse the place often you face off in opposition to large rabbits or homicide kids for his or her BB weapons and outright making a military of killer clowns your equal of the NCR or Caesar’s Legion—not a goofy gag monster, however a serious energy base whose floor troops are not any laughing matter, and which controls a lot of the identified world.
“Apart from radiation and nature itself, the one drive to be reckoned with all through the island is the Killer Clowns. The Clowns have perverted the slapstick humor of their forefathers, taking its feigned violence actually, and increasing it into the martial artwork Slap-Fu. These predatory Pierrots roam the island, extending the ability of their historical however nonetheless harmful founder, Kermit Eli, and his demented household. The Clowns are extraordinarily secretive, and their pantomime communication with one another is impenetrable to outsiders. They’re extremely expert within the use any type of weapon, and unusually keen on the weird, equivalent to steel-toed flap footwear, rubber chickens filled with ball bearings, spike-studded brickbats, and seltzer bottles full of acid. The Killer Clowns have fallen unusually silent recently, however it’s typically believed that this can be a momentary lull.”
Ugh, is that this recreation dumb. And whereas the Killer Clowns are in all probability the one dumbest factor in it, they’re under no circumstances the one factor so dumb that even eager about it’s to ship your self a tough sufficient facepalm to get concussion. The Miami Police is managed by two cops referred to as “Tockett” and “Crubbs”. One other felony faction is named the Obeah Orders, or OhOhs for brief, which use voodoo magic. And simply as Wasteland’s different cousin Escape From Hell instantly determined to have a significant issue with ladies, Fountain Of Desires does not waste a lot time squeezing in… nicely… guess.
It is a extra superior recreation than Wasteland in some methods although, together with having extra flavour textual content and conversations (with out the necessity to put them within the handbook and provides look-up codes to compensate for the dearth of recreation information), with animated portraits and a bit extra sense of life to a whole lot of areas. Annoy native witch Lupe Garoo and also you solely have your self responsible when she units werewolves on you. Hold round at your farm the place the sport begins although and you have got a few associates who would like to go together with you, however aren’t that loopy. There is a motive why it has a lot extra space to play with that it could possibly have such luxuries, however we’ll get to that in about 5 – 6 paragraphs.
To present the sport some credit score, it additionally has one fairly enjoyable mechanic—mutation. As you struggle, your characters get bitten and contaminated by enemies and start to vary, including expertise like chameleon pores and skin on the expense of issues like lowered stats. The extra you are uncovered to mutagens, the stronger they turn out to be and the extra the potential benefits should be weighed up versus going to get therapy, which is feasible, however solely a brief repair. Quickly, everybody will probably be scaled horrors.
This can be a actually good thought, worthy of a a lot better recreation. It is also the core of the story—the titular Fountain of Desires being the Fountain of Youth, cracked open by the apocalypse and now someplace in Florida and ready to be found—its existence proved by “dream water” that retains the whole lot in examine and supplies cures on demand, one felony faction going as far as to place the stuff into rum. Given the scale of the place it is truthfully a marvel the Fountain hash’t been discovered some hundred million instances over already, however by no means thoughts. As a premise, it might positively be worse.
Simply getting began on discovering it although is a nightmare. To be truthful, Wasteland was fairly brutal itself, however there’s “old skool hardcore” brutal and there is “oh bullshit” brutal, and Fountain of Desires is squarely within the lesser camp. Simply stepping out into the wild you allow your self open to instantaneous homicide by armies of… urrrgh… Killer Clowns and BigTop Guards wielding futuristic zap-guns, in addition to large spiders and killer rats and werewolves and drug-addled cultists, and a few straight up screw-you moments.
When you stroll right into a tree as an example, it drops lethal coconuts in your head. Stroll too near a location on the high of the opening map and it blasts your entire crew with undodgeable missiles that flatten them earlier than you possibly can say “I am going, I am going!” An encounter with a single Killer Clown is a possible party-killing second, with their photographs not solely doing loopy harm… actually… to whoever it hits, however spreading the ache with splash harm to anybody close to. As if the world wanted any extra motive to hate clowns.
Exploring reveals much more painful idiocy, in each senses of the phrase. Within the DeSoto compound as an example, you discover a fountain—not the Fountain of Desires, only a common one. Some other recreation, you’d simply bounce off it. However no! That is Fountain of Desires, and Fountain of Desires hates you.
So as a substitute… actually… you get this message:
Oh no! This fountain is stuffed with savage piranha…
…after which take the type of harm extra often related to concentrated machine gun fireplace to the balls. Oh, and once you die, you are unceremoniously dumped to DOS with a cheery “Florida bids you a fond farewell!” It is prefer it’s defying you to not snap after which eat the disks.
That is very visibly a results of the sport being tiny. Once you step exterior your loved ones house it seems to be such as you’re in a tutorial space of kinds, however hah! Hardly! This was an RPG from 1990, such issues have been however the desires of infants! The entire map is surrounded by “Mickey’s Wall”, a large blocker lined in damaged glass that you just’d suppose your first process could be to discover a well beyond. In any case, you are trapped in such a tiny area that you would be able to stroll throughout the entire map in a few minutes.
However no. That is the map. That is all of the map. It consists of actually three areas—the streets of Miami and a small compound owned by the DeSoto crime household, the… uggggh… Killer Clown Faculty which makes up a few ranges of idiocy, after which a patch of sawgrass with a man’s hut hidden in it. And in addition, the Fountain of Desires. To place this in perspective, as a result of I counted, the world-saving supply of all-curing water is actually 20 steps away from your home. You’ll be able to’t merely stroll up and get it, no, however nonetheless. The bat in Pong goes extra out of its means! That is not a quest, it is an errand!
The loopy issue although makes it one completely not price endeavor, from the fixed random assaults by enemies to the dumb puzzles, useless ends, and probabilities to utterly screw your self over by saying the mistaken factor to the mistaken individual, or stealing the native crime boss’s beloved Van Gogh portray. OK, so, in equity, you try this final one and you’ve got it coming. Strolling right into a fountain solely to search out it stuffed with piranhas, that is simply merciless.
At finest, the entire recreation appears like everybody concerned misplaced curiosity instantly, and at worst, like a bit of homework began at 5AM on the day it is attributable to be handed in, after three weeks of doing anything. You understand it will suck, however you haven’t any alternative. Your instructor is aware of what you have carried out, however it’s not price their time to name you on it proper then when an enormous purple F for “Fuck off!” will say all of it in just a few days time. It is in all probability written in double-spaced, 16-point textual content to attempt to cover the truth that you solely managed 500 of the two,000 phrases requested, and that is solely as a result of on this metaphor, there isn’t any means for a Killer Clown to leap up and distract your instructor by hitting them within the face with an acid custard pie.
Actually, it’s extremely apparent why no one concerned in Wasteland wished to be even tangentially related to this, and why even EA in the end determined to attempt to fake it by no means occurred. There was just one Wasteland, after which there was Fallout. Then there was Wasteland 2, and it is the true successor.
Some video games are higher forgotten. Some wastelands, merely a waste.
Allow us to by no means communicate of Fountain of Desires ever once more.