Twitter, the social media website that has spawned one A24 film and too many meltdowns to quantify, is tumbling into its subsequent circle of hell with soon-to-be-implemented in depth monetization.
With a brand new $8 a month subscription to Twitter Blue, which is able to roll out after the midterm elections, you may get a blue verification badge (and other features) with out really verifying your identification and be instantly banned for pretending to be someone else. New proprietor and CEO Elon Musk, the richest particular person on this planet, whose comprehension of comedy dilutes to walking into Twitter headquarters carrying a sink and meekly going, “Hehehe! Let that sink in!” says that his reign and bid for income will not only legalize comedy, however it can additionally “democratize journalism” in some way. Actually, he’s getting most of this from a Monty Python sketch.
However Musk may quickly be taking inspiration from pay-to-win video video games, too. On November 2, Musk responded favorably to recreation designer and gamification knowledgeable Adrian Hon’s (sarcastic) Twitter thread describing “actual gamification” on Twitter, jokingly proposing Twitter add video video games options like “a Twitter Battle Move, achievements, completely happy hour, streaks, and extra!”
Not everybody appeared to grasp that Hon was kidding, not even comedy knowledgeable Musk, who mentioned that Hon’s thread had “some good concepts.”
G/O Media could get a fee
Nicely, if Musk is taking solutions from players, I really feel that I ought to supply a few of my very own.
Twitter Cash
I’m assuming Twitter will ultimately add a heads-up show to its homepage, indicating not solely what number of followers you might have, but in addition essential stats like whole time on Twitter or XP, kill rely (the variety of occasions a man named Bobby responds to one in all your benign tweets with a command to drink bleach), and your present load of Twitter Cash.
I’m suggesting Twitter Cash as an in-app foreign money you should buy for a beneficiant 3-to-1 ratio—$300 for 100 Twitter Cash—which is able to empower you to unlock extra of the necessary Twitter Blue options I like to recommend beneath.
And I do know $3 for one Twitter Coin appears a bit unfair, however how else do you count on Musk to repay the $13 billion in debt (not together with the $1.2 billion in curiosity funds Twitter is predicted to make this 12 months) he owes after his $44 billion acquisition? By liquidating a few of his $208 billion web value? No, that makes an excessive amount of sense.
Class system
With Twitter Cash, you’ll have the ability to buy unique starter courses, together with however not restricted to:
- Sexy With Sun shades
- Man With Zero Followers Who Believes Marshall’s Wiretapped His Samsung TV
- Journalist That Bought Doxxed (And Laid Off)
- Girl With Zero Followers Who Began A Change.org Petition To Delay BTS’ Army Service
- Girl With 15 Followers Who Began A Change.org Petition To Cease BTS From Wiretapping Her Samsung TV
Every class comes with its personal themed starter package—Sexy With Sun shades, for instance, mechanically provides you 35 followers carrying sun shades of their profile image and a one-month subscription to a language studying website of your alternative so you’ll be able to know how you can say “soiled woman” just a few other ways.
These courses can be out there for the low base worth of 5,000 Twitter Cash, however you’ll be able to add invaluable add-ons like Reply Man (which has a negligible 30-minute cooldown time whereas he pores over your Instagram images for a touch of toe) for 500 Cash, or Viral Tweet (applies to any tweet in regards to the yacht-centric actuality TV present Under Deck on Bravo) for 650 Cash.
By no means-before-seen avatars
When you’ve picked your starter class, it’s time to begin customizing. Musk is already considering including “cool stuff” to Twitter Blue subscriptions like animated banners, however I say he takes that concept one step additional with high-tech 3D avatars to make use of as your profile image.
Have you ever ever been to a jungle-themed restaurant chain Rainforest Cafe location? They’ve some superbly haunting tree frog sculptures. 3D Twitter Avatars will just about be precisely like that.
Once you buy a Twitter Avatar for a paltry $50,000 value of Twitter Cash, you’ll be in charge of every little thing. That features facial options, physique sort, and whether or not or not your Avatar is carrying a t-shirt that claims “I Love the Music ‘Drive’ by Incubus” (I’m nonetheless engaged on clothes choices). Place your order and wait a meager 45 enterprise days for transport. That’s proper, transport.
Twitter Avatars are really 3D, molded and solid from the identical iconic metal and aluminum mix that destroys a Tesla instantly after coming in touch with a crimson mild. To hell with downloadable content material, we’re sooner or later! We ought to be crashing our vehicles even extra typically.
To make use of Twitter Avatars as your profile image, merely take a photograph and add them. Sure, people, it’s that straightforward. Should you’d like, you’ll be able to complement your picture with the Legendary Profile Image Bundle for 10 Cash per week. That provides a 40-seconds-long firework gif that pops up each time Musk’s content material moderation plan results in somebody getting swatted.
Importing a photograph prices 50 Cash. Additionally, you will must DM Musk the phrase “You might be so genius and wealthy, papa” each fortnight or so to show you imagine in free speech.
Please don’t forget to DM. Your Twitter Blue subscription can be instantly terminated and the financial institution will take your pets or your Funko Pop! assortment, whichever is value extra.
Secret ending
After spending at the least $250,000 in Twitter Cash, you’ll be fortunate sufficient to unlock Twitter’s secret ending. I can’t provide you with too many specifics, as it’s a secret, however I can say that it entails chapter.
Now to get critical: it’s clear that Twitter’s pay-to-win future is looming. Are you prepared for it?